You guys. Holy shit, you guys. You guys, holy shit! I went through the “jokes” that I wrote like 10 years ago (the ones I found in the trunk that was at my parents’ house) before I even had one thought of trying any kind of comedy, stand-up or otherwise. Guess what?
It’s f**king terrible. OH MY WORD are these “jokes” bad. It’s required to put jokes this bad in quotes, that’s how bad they are.
If these jokes were high fives…they would all look like this:
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But you know what?
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Here’s a few of the “better” ones. I think I was trying to come up with Jack Handy style jokes. If you don’t know what a Jack Handy style joke is, it’s this:
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and this:
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SO…here’s my attempt at Jack Handy-esque humor from college:
You shouldn’t mess with raccoons, they can be very dangerous. I mean what if some lonely old lady taught that raccoon Kung-Fu? Well, I guess she really wasn’t lonely after all.
How about this gem:
I think it’s ok to laugh at a gay guy when he’s standing next to a couple hot ladies. Really, what’s he gonna do with a couple of hot ladies?
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or…
I think people who go around saying “free love” and “peace” shouldn’t get mad when you punch them in the face. I mean hey, what was all that “free love” stuff about.
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and those were the BETTER ones.
Here’s some of the worst:
-You could learn a lot from the noble duck, like how to sew-
-If I was going to be put to death by guillotine, I’d tell people in the first couple rows to back up because I think I’m a bleeder-
-There are many fish in the sea, but not many available women-
I think the US government is going to start using those lines instead of waterboarding.
Here’s my favorite one though:
I wish my great-grandfather’s name was Ben, and he would have named his son Ben, and then he would have named his son Ben, because then I’d be Ben the 4th, like a king. I could say things like “My dear wench, fetch my slippers!”. My great-grandfather’s name was Matthew, so I have to get my own slippers.
No idea why I think that’s funny. Oh well.
I’ve been typing for a while and Millie just got up and came over and laid down like this:
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I know, right?
TWITTER JOKES:
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Those are the ones from yesterday after I posted the bloggy blog until today.
RAOK today..
I was on an estimate and a younger woman was getting an older woman into a wheelchair and I stopped what I was doing to assist them. It was actually more complicated than that sounds. There was a steep hill involved and no good place for the wheelchair to roll through and blah blah blah.
I surprised Millie today. I realize Millie isn’t a person, but listen to the story…It totally counts:
The big show is almost here. I’m so excited to bring some stand-up to LaPorte for such a good cause. Everyone’s been so damn supportive, it’s inspiring.
Alright I’ve got books to read…GOODNIGHT!
The list:
1. Blog about it daily. DONE!
2. 1600 Calories a day. DONE! Down about 20 pounds now.
3. Only meals that have been cooked by someone not paid to cook. So like mom’s dinner yes, delivery pizza no. DONE!
4. Read 4 books. Done with Delivering Happiness…next up is my friend Erin’s recommendation: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened…then Teresa’s recommendation: The Art of Racing in the Rain…then Emily’s recommendation: Warmth of Other Suns
5. Work out once a day for more than 30 minutes. (this is going to be lenient, like walking is acceptable) DONE!
Millie yet again with the playing in the yard.
Playing with Millie is an amazing workout…still. Also I’m fat and my knees hurt.
6. Tweet one joke a day (I will be posting this one to Twitter @kenbonowitz) DONE!
7. Drink only water. DONE!
8. 100% Abstinence (yes, that means no flogging the pope, or whatever awesome euphemism you use) DONE!
9. Do one RAOK a day! (this will probably be pretty lenient as well, but we’ll see) DONE!
10. Surprise someone everyday. (probably my favorite submission out of all of them) DONE!
11. Learn to juggle 4 things….I’m SO CLOSE on this one!!!
12. Learn a song on the trumpet. YOU KNOW WHY AGAIN – NOT DONE
13. Spend zero dollars (ON MYSELF) DONE!
14. Look like fat Thor (DONE!)
15. No texting. I will be available to call or Skype or email. But I won’t be texting. (I AM however SNAPCHATTING BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME)
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