Short post because I worked all day and went to the comedy club to MC tonight, annnnnnnd I just got home. Dats a long day.

Nailed the Nike Fuel today:

I stayed up a little after I blogged and wrote a few more Twitter jokes (I personally like ‘Ciroc Obama’ and ‘Seven and Seven Costanza’, If you rememeber George wanted to name his baby Seven…not a Celebrity…but still)

Killed it on the food today too. The bartender gave me a free Michelob Ultra in a bottle and I drank it. It was delicious. I definitely feel like I earned that today. So many times I get done with these willpower months and I just go CRAZY off the rails again immediately. That’s not the point of this one…this is hopefully going to be a long term change for the better. Right now it absolutely feels like it. I put on a dress shirt to go to the club tonight and it wasn’t tight at all, it just felt normal. That’s a good feeling. My belt is one more loop in from where it was when I started, so that’s good too. I’m at 14 pounds in 23 days as far as weight loss goes…I’m opting for the lower number of the two scales I have to pick from because that’s how I roll.

I can’t stop thinking about how much fun it was to dress up yesterday and have a positive impact on those little kids at the movie theater. I loved it.

I’m exhausted. I’m going to go floss.

Here are a few funny pictures to make up for the short post.

Goodnight!

1. Blog about it everyday: DONE

2. Wake up at 5 am on week days and 7am on weekends: I didn’t even set my alarm at 5…I set it for 6:30 and I felt AMAZING this morning…AGAIN.

3. Must physically step foot into the YMCA and workout every morning before work (P90X doesn’t count): Noon hoops was today.

4. Floss everyday (I just know I should do it more) DONE!!

5. Teach Millie to come to me. (she knows “sit”…and that’s all) DONE!

6. Do a Random Act Of Kindness (RAOK) everyday. DONE! (This one is a secret today tee-hee)

7. Say “yes” to something once a week that I would normally have said “no” to. 4/7 I agreed to do something today that I absolutely wouldn’t have even considered when I started this…today was a good day for this one. I have to keep it to myself though because I don’t want that person being like “you wouldn’t have done this normally?”

8. 5 Videos for Charity

9. Weigh 242 pounds or under at the end of the 50 days or donate 1,000 dollars to the KKK

10. Eat one meal that has vegetables in it every week. Which means I will ingest 7 more vegetables than I would have normally. 4/7

The add ons:

11. Nothing to drink other than water (no booze, pop, beer, OJ, milk, Crystal Light…NADA) I had a single beer tonight. It was delicious.

12. Publish one new joke on Twitter every day. DONE

13. Only eat food that has been purchased at the grocery store and/or prepared by someone not paid to do so. DONE

14. Keep an accurate calorie count of all food every day. DONE

15. No spending money on anything other than necessities (example…bills, groceries, clothes are ok) DONE

16. Full abstinence (because any willpower month that doesn’t include not touching your dick is just silly) DONE

17. Wear the Nike Fuel band every day and hit 3,000 fuel points everyday DONE

18. Finally learn a damn song on the trumpet.

It’s 1 am.

Just walked in the door from the comedy club. 

So much fun, but I don’t remember the last time I was this tired.

I’ll update big tomorrow. 

GOODNIGHT!

First things first, my friend Deanna posted my picture of me in the Thor costume at the Thor movie to reddit.com and it’s currently getting a lot of “upvotes”. I’m learning everything reddit today, and so far it is AMAZING. UPDATE: It’s gotten almost TWO THOUSAND  upvotes as of this posting…holy goodness.

Here’s the link.

So that’s awesome.

Second, I’m so glad that I’ve been doing the willpower stuff, it’s taught me a lot about myself and other people, and I really think its made me a more well rounded person. I’d like to thank everyone that has been supporting me all this time. It really means a lot to me!

I took it easy this weekend on everything (I had cocktails last night…I know, I know) and caught up on some sleep that I’ve been depriving my body, and I feel great. I know that I feel great because I went over to South Bend and my dad and I (with a couple other of the owners) hung a new metal sign on the side of the comedy club:

Some perspective:

Then I came back to LaPorte in time for halftime at my team’s Civic league basketball game, where I showed up in street clothes to watch. Turns out we only had 5 guys show up so I went home and changed just in case. I came back and as soon as I was lacing up my sneakers, one of the guys went down with an injury, so I played almost the entire second half of the game. I felt pretty great afterwards. I haven’t felt that good on the court in a while.

That does nothing but make me want to get after it even more, and I’m going to destroy this week coming up.

Yesterday was made up of work and the comedy club and that was IT. I didn’t have time for anything else. The early show last night was AWESOME, my jokes went over REALLY well and I joked about getting a standing ovation and people literally stood up and clapped for me. It was a such a fun time.

Back to the grind tomorrow, but for now I took care of everything that needed done today.

I’ve been thinking more and more about this willpower stuff because well…it’s pretty much one of five things I think about (work/comedy/willpower stuff/Bacon/Boobs) Also, I’m halfway through. I’m down to 259.00 pounds from 274.00 so….15 of 32 down. Pretty good stuff. Being halfway through I’ve started to think about the end, and how I’ll move past the goal date and still be healthy.

I think the Rock sums it up pretty nicely:

My end goal is not December 5th. My end goal is much further out than that, it’s the goal of living a balanced life where I’m in shape, eating pretty well, and having a great time doing it. This willpower stuff is great when I’m on it. Then December 5th comes. Then what? Then I go off the rails to celebrate, and it takes me starting another willpower month to right the ship.

The goal needs to change from the all or nothing mentality to the moderation and exercise mentality. While donating money to the KKK is a great scare tactic to get me to shape up in the short term, I can’t have something huge looming over my head constantly, berating me into living a healthy lifestyle. You have to do it for you, because you like the way things are going and you want to continue down that path.

I like the way things are going, and I want to continue down that path. I want to get away from the hard and fast rules of “you can’t do this, you have to do this” everyday. I’d rather just organically want to do or not do things because overall I’ll be healthier for it.

Of course I’m not abandoning the willpower challenge. That would be stupid. Instead of it being all or nothing, I’m going to do my best to adhere to the “rules” that I’ve laid out, but I really want to make sure that by December 5th the transition looks like this:

Instead of this:

If that makes sense.

I know for a fact that if I want to be healthy I’ll always have to be cognizant of what I’m eating and how much I’m working out. That’s the main focus here for me. Everything else is secondary to that. In order to keep that up long term, from time to time I know I’ll have to give in to eating shitty food, drinking some booze, and blowing off some steam.

So I’m going to continue with the willpower stuff as best as I can. Every once in a while I’m going to take a day off. I think that’s the best way to make sure I can keep it up well past the “goal” date.

For now I’m going to relax for the rest of the night and then kill it this week. I’ve literally eaten nothing today, so I’m going to have a beer and some restaurant food and contemplate the next 25 days. I’ve earned a break (he tells himself)

Have a great night everyone.

So much to talk about!

I was on reddit yesterday and it was AMAZING. It felt like it was my birthday. I had such a great time!

I was offered marriage, and thanks, and compliments! And also this:

Every time I read it I laugh. Especially the “them tight assess” part. SO GREAT.

ALSO!

That’s the real Penn Jillette…and he’s following me on Twitter!*

*because I paid him

Ok, so he’s trying to raise money HERE or rather, he has raised money, to make a movie. I helped! I helped enough that he is now following me on Twitter for a year. YES, this was a drunk purchasing decision that I absolutely do not regret. Penn Jillette gets it. He and Teller have been doing awesome things for a long time, but I LOVED their show BULLSHIT. It was grand.

TWITTER JOKE! (For Penn!)

On the comedy scene, I’ve put together a show at a local bar here in town to showcase some of the talent we have in South Bend over here. It’s this Saturday and it’s going to be FUN!

I’m stoked.

ALSO! @midnight came out with a new Twitter contest that I decided was a good idea:

I don’t think they are amazing, but I do think they are pretty good if you are trying to come up with things as fast as you can.

The Indiana Jones one is my favorite.

PS…my dog now does this:

She’s great.

I just looked at the clock and it’s super late.

Here’s the things:

Even though I thought I ran around a lot today…who knew!

I ate nothing today, literally nothing. Then I went to Wings ETC with Cary and Erin to hear about their Vegas trip…I had a salad.

I ate three bites.

Half a tomato, half a green pepper, like a whole cucumber slice…some other horribleness…

I hate salads. I tried to do it, it was just the worst.

I don’t think that eating healthy means you should hate your life. I ordered wings DIRECTLY AFTER.

The wings were good.

I remember when I ordered the salad thinking: “Just suck it up, it’s not that bad”

Yeah, it’s that bad.

I’d rather not eat than eat veggies. HashtagTruth!

I’m still trying to figure out the rest of this stuff….

I’ll have a good plan tomorrow.

GOODNIGHT!

After my fun with technology (reddit/Twitter) yesterday, I realized that I have tech ADD. I look at and read so many different articles every night before I go to bed that my brain is swimming. I’m going to stop doing that so much. I’m also giving myself a bedtime of 8:30pm tomorrow and Thursday, in an attempt to get back to the gym in the morning before work.

You said it, Brit.

Guess what I did today? This:

I was walking down a driveway today and I made it completely horizontal before I landed square on my back.

Wind knocked out of me, and I couldn’t stop laughing and coughing. It was a sight to see, I’m sure.

I’m in some considerable discomfort tonight. Everything hurts. Even my mighty, mighty pride.

On the plus side, Val stopped by and dropped off some food for me to make as a thank you for cleaning out her gutter. She did not need to do that, but after tasting this food, I’m SO glad she did. This is buffalo chicken pasta:

She even figured out how many calories and other nutrition information. That’s so damn thoughtful. Thanks, Val! You are an amazing cook!

Here’s the calories today:

I didn’t do anything productive on the Nike Fuel band today because I was pretty much sitting or laying after my little spill.

Nike does this thing where it wants to update the firmware ALL the time, so sometimes it takes a minute…and THERE we go 5 minutes later:

RAOK!

I registered to do a 5k on Superbowl Sunday

One thing that made me very happy today was Millie seeing snow for the first time. I didn’t take any pictures of it or anything because I just wanted to enjoy watching her go crazy. Later on I did snap this picture, because it was like 2pm and she still wasn’t over seeing snow:

I drove by I Street Tavern today and saw this sign up:

I realize that is far away, but it says “Saturday, Comedy Roadshow, 8pm”

That’s going to be a good time!

Had the owners meeting at the Drop tonight before the open mic, got things accomplished there, the club is progressing slowly…but we ARE progressing rather than regressing.

I’m not even going to look at the rest of the list because I’m exhausted and in pain.

I’ll do a bigger update tomorrow before I go to bed VERY early.

One of the coolest articles I read today was this one:

100 incredible things

  I highly recommend www.lifehack.org

GOODNIGHT.

Ben Fall Down.

Ben Go Boom.

Ben at 22, the next day:

Ben today:

I feel f****ng terrible.

Everything is so sore it feels like I was caned.

I just wrote that and thought of my Twitter joke:

I thought about the abusive boyfriend/ice joke for a while, there’s more there, I just quit thinking about it and posted that version. Something something ice hurts me and I run back to it to feel better…whatever.

HUGE Tangent: If you’d like to skip to the end of this tangent on positivity, scroll down until you see boobs.

My friend Erin  texted me the following thing today. This is verbatim:

I’m sitting in the lounge at a school where I interpret and…the people near me are talking about…You

I respond: Wait what? How?

She says that the guys said “Did you see this fag dressed as Thor on Reddit.”

THAT MADE MY DAY

Now…Erin talked to these gentlemen and attempted to defended me and such (they were simpletons so nothing got through) and I’d like to thank her for that. Thankfully she realized it was futile almost immediately and walked away like the amazing person she is…but…

I’d like to describe how much I enjoy those kinds of people.

Calling someone a “fag” for doing something that might bring joy to someone else is something I’m going to term “life heckling”.

I’ve been doing comedy for almost no time at all and I consider myself to be average at it, but hecklers exist and I’ve seen them in action. This is no different than someone yelling something out during a comedy performance. It happens for a few different reasons, or a combination of them:

1. What that person is doing is better than what I am doing, and I am jealous.

2. I must tear down others to feel good about myself or make others respect me.

3. I’m drunk.

4. The attention is not on me, and I need to change that.

If you’d like to hear a more brilliantly stated case on the subject…you should click this run-on sentence.

Here’s my advice that you totally didn’t ask for regarding negativity in your life.

YOU CONTROL IT

Do you know how many “friends” I have on Facebook? 1,600ish

Do you know how many I have “unsubscribed” from because I don’t want to see them bitch about things? Plenty. Don’t complain about seeing negativity online, that’s something you TOTALLY control. It extends to your real life too.

My mom and dad. I work with them. I see them the most. They are the two most hardworking people I know. I’d like to think I work hard too. Erin and Cary Kirk. They are the two most rational and intelligent people I know. I’d like to think I’m rational and intelligent too. Brad Oman. He’s the funniest person I know. I’d like to think I’m funny too.

With the exception of Brad, the other four people are 90% nice and congenial people. (I give Brad a pass because he’s really funny about his negativity and overall dickishness)

I’m also of the opinion that that extends out past 5 people into the next 50 people…so on down the line, you are like those people you surround yourself with. I’m constantly adding and culling people from my life. For good reason. I want to be successful, and whether or not I have success completely defined, I have a good idea of the kind of people I should be spending my time with in order to be successful overall.

The bottom line here is, you don’t have time for people that bring you down. It’s time to cull the herd. Start spending time with people that are positive instead of negative, I promise you’ll be glad you did.

Alright, so back to today:

RAOK!!!!

I went to the dollar store and left money on the shelves with some notes:

and

So that was fun.

I also stopped by Temple News Agency here in town to check in with Joe and see how business is going. MAN it’s soooo much more de-cluttered in there these days. Good for you guys! Also he gave me a book that he and his wife picked up for me. SIGNED by the author!:

Spelled the same and everything!

Awesome!

I couldn’t really do anything athletic today but I still had to do estimates all day. I met this beast of a house today:

I had 15 minutes to lay the entire thing out before I was scheduled to go to my next appointment. It limped around and got it done.

I guess it paid off:

I ate this today though:

That’s all I ate though. So I’m ok.

I’m just hurting right now and I know for a fact I won’t be hitting the gym for a few days. I have to do work during the day and I can’t rest there, so I have to rest after work. This is where adult stuff gets in the way of blog fun. I’m ok with it though, because I’m still flossing.

ALSO:

Check this out:

http://blog.bufferapp.com/the-daily-routines-of-famous-entrepreneurs-and-how-to-design-your-own-master-routine

I took this of Millie today:

Just kidding, that’s not Millie…BUT MAN that is something she would do.

Take a look at this:

That’s pretty good stuff.

Today I worked and came home and I don’t feel very good so I’m sitting/laying in my bed and binge watching Key and Peele.

It’s so much better than I thought it was going to be, and I thought it was going to be great.

Here’s my random act of kindness. I was contacted today about dressing up like Thor and going to a kid’s birthday party. It’s next Friday and I’m doing it. If you have a kid that likes Thor and think would like to meet him as well, let me know, I’m sure we could make that happen. The look on their face is awesome.

I’m hoping to be back to the gym tomorrow or Saturday, this really isn’t so much fun, but it reminds me that I take for granted every day that I’m not hurt or sick. So it’s a good thing.

I was told the other day that me being so positive was really annoying. I answered that with “Thank you for the critique, that helps me be a better person!” which, I don’t know if you know this or not, translates into “Die in a fire”. Plus if you respond to negativity with more positive vibes, it REALLY pisses people off and I think I could survive off that feeling instead of food. That was a weird tangent.

OH! Here’s the deal. I want you to come to this:

Last time we had 15-20 people…I’d really like 40 people to be at this one. Do what you can!

I only ate like 1000 calories today. I don’t even remember what it was…flatbread something that I made. It was very roast beefy…I think it might have been roast beef.

ALSO. This is the funniest gif I’ve ever seen:

I’ve laughed at that for like 5 minutes straight. Oh man. Kids getting hurt SLAYS me.

Case in point:

Or

I think I might secretly be a horrible person? Does anyone WITH kids think these are funny? Let me know, thanks.

I’m going to attempt to get back to the willpower stuff tomorrow, depending on how I feel. I miss the gym.

I realize it’s been quite a while since I’ve  put anything on here. My last attempt at shape getting in (see, I don’t even know how to say it) was shut down due to injury, and then I just kind of…well…didn’t give a shit.

That was back in November. Since then…here’s what’s been going on with me:

1. The fambiz is now the fambiz, LLC…and I’m a partner in it.

So basically I’m rolling in gutter and downspout, you guys.

2. The comedy club that I co-own is still going strong.

3. We had the second stand-up comedy charity show at the theatre here in town and it was a HUGE success, here’s a clip of some of my set:

and here’s kind of what it looked like:

4. I’ve been appointed to the Historical Preservation Commission here in town, then I was elected president of said commission.

5. I’ve joined the event planning committee for the local C.A.S.A. chapter.

6. I mentor an “at risk” youth over in the next town once a week (sometimes once every two weeks when I get super busy)

7. I’m dangerously reckless with the food and drink that I decide to toss down the ole throat hole.

So that’s like 6 good things and one bad thing. I’d say I’m pretty much golden.

Ok ok, maybe not.

I’m not very good at moderation, I know that. I also know that with my extremely busy schedule in the summer months, so blogging daily is not going to be feasible.

So what I’ve decided to do is to put some parameters in place to give myself the best opportunity to accomplish my overall goal of not dying in my 30′s from a heart attack.

I will be following these fun little things until my birthday (July 28th), and instead of saying things like “NO FAST FOOD”, which sounds like something a meanie-pants person would say, I’m going to phrase everything in a positive light, like, “Every meal and snack I eat will be made or prepared by me or friends/family.”

So. This challenge is simply about me getting into better shape, and attempting to take care of myself a bit better:

1. Every meal and snack I eat will be made or prepared by me or friends/family.

2. I will only drink water.

3. I will eat breakfast every day.

4. I will be in bed attempting to sleep at 10pm.

5. I will complete one hour of cardio exercise every day.

6. I will only watch TV or be on the Internet outside of my bedroom.

So yeah, no booze/beer/tacobell/bdubs/staying out late…It’s basically me challenging myself to be a damn adult. Yikes.

Wish me luck :0)

I’ve been drinking 5 hour energy shots, monsters, diet sodas, regular sodas, milkshakes, lemonades, and any other sugary horrible for you drinks you can think of for the past five months.

Today I had H20 and nothing else.

This is going to be a long three months.

I also went to the grocery store after work instead of you know, Buffalo Wild Wings.

I had a breakfast granola type bar at like 10am, so I’m counting that as “breakfast”. I bought some bacon and eggs at the grocery store though, so tomorrow I think I’ll try that out.

I went for a walk for 60 minutes, and now I’m posting this short bloggy blog entry because I’m sure plenty of people saw my post yesterday, read that I wasn’t drinking or eating like poo anymore and said

Which is fair.

But, that’s one day in the bag…

so I just need to collect like 90 more and I’ll have a whole bunch of “not dead in his 30′s” going on….maybe this reaction is more on par with how I should feel about getting through the first day:

I’m going to have no problem going to bed by 10pm tonight. My eyes are already closing. I didn’t realize how far I’d really let myself go until 30 minutes into a FRIGGIN WALK I felt like death.

I tell you what, all of these gifs make it so much easier to convey my sentiment than the old pictures I used to use when I first started blogging, all that long ago…*cough* 2 years *cough*

Anyway, I ate a sandwich when I got off work, and I think it’s time for another one before bed.  I’m using My Fitness Pal to gauge how many calories I’m eating, and I’m trying to keep it around 2,000 a day. I forgot how all of that works, and my blood sugar is going insane right now along with my stomach. My body forgot what being healthy is like. It’ll all balance out in a few days and get into a pretty sweet, sweet groove. Until then…

I’m finishing up today feeling like:

But in three months hopefully it’ll feel like:

Thanks for all of the well wishes, kiddos. Goodnight!

Three days in, and so far, I’m not dead. Who knew that you could survive without alcohol and wings? I guess I’m not Bender from Futurama after all…

Yesterday I went from home to truck to work to truck to home to truck to comedy club to truck to Brad’s house to truck to home. It was a constant day of motion. I had to hit up the comedy club for our weekly owner’s meeting, then to Brad’s to watch Mortal Kombat. Now normally, watching a really dumb movie instead of exercising would be something I would do just because WHY WOULDN’T I? These days it’s because I’m preparing to make fun of it tomorrow a la MST3K:

So by the time I got home it was 10pm and time for bed. I slept like a damn rock.

I’ve been using My Fitness Pal to monitor my calories, and I’m just trying to keep it around 2,000. No crazy calorie restrictions or anything, I figure making myself food and sticking to 2,000 or so calories can’t hurt the weight loss aspect of this fun little adventure, right?

I cooked a damn good looking steak tonight, and had some low sodium canned corn, because somebody told me the low sodium stuff tastes just like the normal corn I’m used to…

Yeah, NO it doesn’t.

It’s okay though, I ate cottage cheese too. I’m not sure if you know this about me, but cottage cheese is my jam. For the love of all that is holy, Dean’s 4% = HEAVEN.

It’s perfection in a tub. I’ve been eating it for lunch and/or dinner every night as a side, and guess what? No gout attacks in the last three days.

Sure, I haven’t had a gout attack in months, but whatever, I ESPECIALLY haven’t had one the past three days.

SCIENCE!

Alrighty, I’m off to walk around for awhile and then hit the bedness.

These posts are not as lengthy as the ones I used to write, but I’m limiting myself to 30 minutes to update this when I do so I can have more time to actually live the life I’m writing about. FUN!

So far so good. I’ve managed to go 8 full days with nothing to drink but water, and I’ve made all of my “meals” myself. I put meals in quotes because I’ve been eating a lot of sandwiches, and not really full blown meals, but at least it’s not drive thru crap, right?

So I’ve completely revamped what I’ve been eating and drinking, yet a few days back I was soooooo close to having a good ole case of the gout flare, which is just the worst pain I have experience with. Well, besides accidentally showing your balls to a church choir, but that’s another story.

My doctor calls it a “sudden change in dietary content coupled with cessation of Colchicine.”

I call it, “Holy shit, I think my body is lashing out at me for being healthy.”

That’s okay though.

I had my acid levels checked and I just have to keep doing what I’m doing, and my body will get used to the healthy eating, and the medication I’m on will keep lowering the uric acid in ma blood. So, you know…

Besides the gout stuff, I actually feel a LOT better overall than I have in months. I don’t want to thank the water I’ve been drinking, because about 20 years ago I was in a swimming pool, and I came up under a raft and I almost drowned. So we aren’t even CLOSE to being even, water. You still owe me.

Oh, you want to see a funny thing I made today? Here you go:

Conflicted Macho Man is conflicted.

Anywhoozle…I’m feeling pretty good about all of this nonsense, and it’s been decently easy not to drink or eat like crap. Then again, it’s only been about a week.

It’s a lot easier now that work is pushing 11-12 hours a day rather than 8.

Also, I forgot how easy it is to use My Fitness Pal, and tomorrow I’m going to start using the Nike Fuel band again now that I can actually walk without a limp.

The My Fitness Pal looks like this most days:

I add everything I eat after lunch to the “Dinner” thing, normally that’s two different meals in one…but who’s counting.

Oh yeah, me.

I’m counting.

I think it’s bedtime.

G’NIGHT!

and I’m about 20 pounds down (thought it was 25, but I was bad at meth math) Oh, also I just wrote that^^^ and then I spent the next 5 minutes thinking about and researching a terrible throwaway joke to tweet: The research part of that was to make sure the actual money for grams made sense. I don’t know how many meth addicts follow me on Twitter, but I don’t need those people correcting me on shit. I’ve got enough going on. ANYWAY So yeah, it’s been 15 days and I’m down some weight and I feel better and blah blah blah

WE HAD KYLE KINANE AT THE COMEDY CLUB LAST NIGHT.

  He was fucking hilarious. Just wow and wow. He’s also wickedly smart, gracious, affable, and just fun to be around. There was a very drunk woman that came up to him after the show and stated, “I want to dump my boyfriend and be with you.” Her boyfriend was standing right next to her. So, Kinane is on a completely different level than most other headliners I’ve seen in my life, and I was just awestruck by how great he really is at the craft. Now that I’m not whittling away the hours like…. …I’ve been making myself dinners and lunches and sometimes breakfasts (breakfast is still mainly in protein bar form). So here’s a video of me making a pizza for myself FOR NO REASON AT ALL. I mean, there’s no reason for the video of it, obviously there’s a reason I made the pizza. The reason was to eat the pizza. Ugh. Duh.

Oh yeah, lastly…my buddy Jon Baldizon did this little awesomeness of me:

Check out his website, he’s super talented and looking to take on more graphic design work!

CLICK HERE

23 Days!

I’m down between 25-30 pounds depending on the time of day/night, so that’s something.

I’ve been really trying to branch out from sandwiches, so here’s some of the stuff I’ve been folding up and shoving in my gullet hole:

Bacon and Eggs!

Hobo Chicken! <— Recipe

Chicken/Pepper/Onion Tacos!

Ribeye/Asparagus/Corn!

Chicken/Bacon/Eggs/Mac&Cheese

So within the last week, I’ve had full servings of these veggies:

Before the last week, here’s the list of veggies I’d had full servings of:

I know it’s really hard to spot the subtle difference between the lists, but it is there, I promise.

So I’m using more tools around the kitchen to cook with, and I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t think that you can just chop the crap out of anything you want and not almost cut off your toe (also, don’t play with knives while barefoot).

Also, I’ve been actually eating when I’m out and about during the day, rather than just starving myself and then drinking my face off after work and shoveling wings and pizza in my face…so that’s been good. Typical snack: (Millie leaves it alone, probably because healthy food doesn’t taste as good as the one McDonald’s fry I gave her that one time.)

I also stopped taking the medication I’m supposed to be on for The Gout…the stuff was putting me at an almost constant level of pain/I’M GOING TO HAVE AN ATTACK ANY MINUTE SO I FEEL LIKE PUNCHING YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE PERSON.

Since I’ve stopped the meds I’m not limping around and everything feels much better. It’s not all 100% gone, but it’s definitely an improvement.

I’ve also started utilizing some of this stuff in my water to help:

I’m not big on cleanses or holistic medicines or anything like that, but there’s enough evidence for me to try this out, I’ll be the guinea pig and let you guys know if I think it works. Thanks, Dave, for the heads up!

***

I’m happy to report that the charity comedy show we did at the Little Theatre on April 5th was a rousing success…$2,925.00 donated to the State Street food pantry, how great is that!?

The paper was nice enough to put us in with a lovely photo:

The headline is slightly misleading, as that’s the photo of us giving the money to the food pantry bros (we’re bros now), and the firefighter charity night will be November 1st. I’m working out the details now, but if you want to snag a spot on the list to be made aware of when tickets go on sale, leave a comment or facebook me or yell really loudly.

Lastly, I’ll be performing a show with all of the other owners of the Drop Comedy Club in two nights, so if you want to come see some free comedy:

*** That was supposed to imply I was switching gears…I’m so clever *barf*

Welp, it’s been 41 days since I’ve started, and I’m still going strong.

Only water errrryday. 2000 or so calories errryday. Making all my meals myself. I’ve lost about 40 pounds. Those first couple weeks when I got a little stressed at work and remembered I couldn’t count on that after work cocktail I was pretty much like….

It’s still a long way to any sort of being “In shape”, but I feel a much bigger change in myself than I really ever have before. I’m not putting up with this shit just to race to the end and then drink all of the booze and eat all of the wings…slipping backwards until I have to do it again. That gets really old after a while. I AM looking forward to having a beer and a shot on my birthday, but just not all of the beer and all of the shots.

Goal setting has never been a problem for me, it’s the whole “putting that plan into action and staying with it” part of it that I’ve had trouble with.  I set up a shit load of goals and then put a plan together and then kick off on my way but…

Something like that.

This time around everything has stuck so far.

Just like everything, it takes time and attempt after attempt to get it right. I think I tried and failed at quitting Skoal like 5 times before I finally gave up dipping for good. It’s been like 4 1/2 years since I went from a can a day to zero. It rarely even crosses my mind that used to chew tobacco. When I was like 2 months into quitting that I remember feeling different, like “this is it, never doing that again.”

I feel that way now about taking better care of myself. I don’t know if it’s a permanent change or it just feels good for now, but whatever, it’s working. I’m happy, healthy (er), and the wanting to be better at the healthy lifestyle has bled over into the rest of my life too.

That has no context, I was just getting really bored writing all that affirmative crap.

Anyway. I had a little time today so I thought I’d let everyone know that I’m still at this.

I plan on posting again a little later this coming week, I promise it’ll be funny. Until then, here’s this:

Makes me laugh EVERY time.

I mean, it’s not totally gone. I’m still down 5 pounds. It’s like when you go to the casino, and then you win 3,000 dollars, and then you lose 2,993 dollars. You just tell everyone, “I WENT TO THE CASINO AND WON 7 DOLLARS.”

So we’re back where we started. And by we I mean me. And by me I mean I. I’M BACK TO WHERE I STARTED.

It’s not all bad. In fact, there’s a pretty recent picture of me that reminds me of Chris Pratt. Well, not Guardians of the Galaxy’s Star-lord:

More like Parks and Rec’s Andy Dwyer:

But like he got stung by bees in the face…

I’m sorry if you’re reading this before bed, no one should have to look at that.

I’ve actually been reading books and articles regarding willpower and habit forming, as well as procrastination, goal setting, and habits of successful people for the past month or so. I was even able to use reading about procrastination to put off starting all of this stuff last month. What can I say, I’m a natural.

I read The Power of Habit, and Solving the Procrastination Puzzle. 

I read some articles online about morning routines, the finite nature of willpower, routine changing, understanding roadblocks/self-obstacles/internal objections, and other self-helpy crap.

I also like infographics because they are more fun to look at than a bunch of stupid words.

It means that even though most of us know the things in that infographic (and the things that I’ve read) are beneficial, a lot of us don’t do them. I can’t tell you the last time I woke up for anything other than to rush to get ready for work or another commitment. I love smacking snooze like my alarm just cut me off in traffic. A big problem for me is I love to stay up late on the interweb (blackpeoplemeet.com), or watching Netflix (I’m currently binging nightly on Parks and Rec, hence the Andy Dwyer reference).  So my number one challenge that I need to meet is waking up earlier.

In order to wake up earlier, I need to go to bed earlier. In order to go to bed earlier, I need to exercise so that I’m tired. In order to exercise enough to make me tired, I need to eat healthier foods to give me energy to fuel my exercise. In order to eat healthier foods, I need to wake up early to prepare and eat a healthy breakfast.

It’s like a vicious cycle of amazing.*

*Also known is being a normal, healthy person, something I don’t think I’ve really ever been. While we all know I’ll never be normal, I could probably be healthy.

Here’s my idea. I’ll just imitate a healthy person until I am a healthy person. That’s totally going to work. So what would a healthy person do everyday?

Here’s my list:

1. Wake up by 5:30am every weekday and 7:30am every weekend day.
2. Eat breakfast everyday.
3. Cardio every morning before work, weekends before doing anything else.
4. Drink only water, at least a gallon a day.
5. No fast food, and if I am at a sit down restaurant, order whatever the healthiest meat option is on the menu.
6. Cardio every night after work.
7. Lift weights 3 days a week.
8. Eat vegetables every night with a meal.
9. Listen to/read one chapter of a book everyday.
10. Learn a new skill that I’ve never attempted before by working on it 30 minutes a day.
11. Perform a random act of kindness every day.
12. Blog every day (even if it’s just a quick update to document what I’ve done that day)
13. Quit biting fingernails.
14. Volunteer once a week.
15. Count all calories.
16. Organize one thing (area of the house, table, dresser, cabinet) in my house everyday.
17. Spend 30 minutes every night planning the next day.
18. Floss every day.
19. Compliment someone everyday on something other than their looks.

I’ll do this until January 8th and then I’ll probably switch it up. 31 days sounds like a good start to the rest of my life, right? Thoughts? Questions? New skill idea? Let me know!

1-6.

Woke up at 5:30. Treadmill for 30 minutes. Took off clothes. Started shower. Fell Asleep on bed. Woke up 30 minutes later. Realized shower water would no longer be hot. Fantasized water might just be lukewarm. Took very cold shower while laughing at my dumbassedness. Ate 2 Blueberry Sadness Crisps*. Drank only water all day. Ate Chocolate Depression Bar with Go Fudge Yourself Caramel.* Treadmill after work for 30 minutes.

*These may or may not be the actual titles for the nutrition bars I ate today, but they damn well should be.

7. will be tomorrow because as sad as it is, I’m really tired.

Here’s a funny side note. The shoes I wear to slowly walk on the treadmill literally had dust come off of them when I tied the laces. I tried to find a comparable gif for this. This is the best I can do:

You’re right, it’s perfect.

8! Veggies for dinner. BOOM:

Red, Yellow, and Orange peppers.

That entire pound of turkey, with the peppers, half a can of enchilada sauce, a few small red potatoes, two low carb wrap type thingys, and taco seasoning = about 1100 calories. It’s a like 1.5 pounds of food when it’s all prepped out.   It’s my favorite meal that I know how to make that includes veggies. Well, other than when I hide a sliver of carrot in an entire birthday cake. THAT’S my favorite meal that I know how to make that includes veggies.

9. Listened to about 2 hours of audio book stuff today. More The Power of Habit as I’m not completely done with it yet.

10. I’m deciding on the new skill that I’d like to learn and I tossed it on my Facebook page so I’ll let you guys vote on it. I’m only including things I’ve never tried before. I’ve done Yoga and I know a couple tiny things about the guitar. I’m including drawing because I’m so atrocious at it that it’s pretty much like I’ve never done it before. So pick what I’m going to spend between 5 and 15 hours on in the next 30 days, and it’ll be fun!

11. Back in the day when I first starting using shorthand for Random Act of Kindness I made this for when my RAOK would show up in the blog:

Talk about random…I bet I was totally high on some popular drug that I totally know how to use when I made that.

That’s a joke kids, don’t do drugs. Unless your friends have them and you want to experiment with them. I mean, it’s your life. Who am I, your dad?

That escalated quickly and got weird. Sorry. Wanna see something else escalate quickly and get weird?

Told ya.

SEGWAY! Oh, also…I saw a guy at the gas station that looked like he was in a hurry go ahead of me in line, even though I was already in a hurry myself. It’s not the grandest RAOK, but we’re starting somewhere, right?

12. Well if you’re reading this, then I did this one.

13. I caught myself biting at my nails a few times today. I never did it as a conscious action though, so that’s good. I feel like this one will be really hard.

14. Volunteer!  I’ll be bell ringing for the Salvation Army outside Walmart from 10-12 Thursday, and 10-12 Friday over at Kmart. Come say hi! If you need help spotting me, just look for something like this:

15. Count all calories:

16. Organized this:

To this:

Yes, I put everything away properly. I didn’t just throw everything under the bed. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t lie on the internet.

17. I’m about to plan out tomorrow as soon as I get done with this bloggy blog. I don’t know that it’s going to take me 30 minutes every night, but I think at least laying out my clothes and planning a few things should take at least 15. We’ll see.

18. GOD DA….errr…My gums are totally not bleeding.

19. I complimented my friend Michelle today. She’s the best.

I think I’ll take a nice lil coma tonight and get after it again tomorrow morning. GOODNIGHT.

The LIST:

1. Wake up by 5:30am every weekday and 7:30am every weekend day.
2. Eat breakfast everyday.
3. Cardio every morning before work, weekends before doing anything else.
4. Drink only water, at least a gallon a day.
5. No fast food, and if I am at a sit down restaurant, order whatever the healthiest meat option is on the menu.
6. Cardio every night after work.
7. Lift weights 3 days a week.
8. Eat vegetables every night with a meal.
9. Listen to/read one chapter of a book everyday.
10. Learn a new skill that I’ve never attempted before by working on it 30 minutes a day.
11. Perform a random act of kindness every day.
12. Blog every day (even if it’s just a quick update to document what I’ve done that day)
13. Quit biting fingernails.
14. Volunteer once a week.
15. Count all calories.
16. Organize one thing (area of the house, table, dresser, cabinet) in my house everyday.
17. Spend 30 minutes every night planning the next day.
18. Floss every day.
19. Compliment someone everyday on something other than their looks.

I had a Christmas party to go to tonight, so I’m late to start the blog. Tomorrow morning I’m going to want to murder death kill my alarm clock. Yes, that’s a Demolition Man reference. WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO TALK MORE ABOUT IT.

The LIST:

1. Wake up by 5:30am every weekday and 7:30am every weekend day. Done. I was so incredibly tired this morning and the bed was so comfortable.

It’s probably because I’m a clinomaniac. Totally a real disorder.

ORRRR

Maybe it’s because the last time I worked out at all, the Bears season was looking pretty good.

2. Eat breakfast everyday. Done. I had some leftover turkey taco stuff (The calories of which had already been counted in yesterdays total) and I cooked three eggs and then BOOM! As an added bonus, I found the saddest use for a Jack Daniels glass:

3. Cardio every morning before work, weekends before doing anything else. Done. I had to put it on like 3 mph because my legs really did hurt. I’m a real big puss puss guys.

4. Drink only water, at least a gallon a day. Done. I probably put down 2 gallons today. Is it weird that I only pee once a day for about 4 minutes straight though?

HA. Could you imagine? No, I’m pretty much on my way to or coming back from the bathroom all day long now. But could you imagine. 4 minute pee?

5. No fast food, and if I am at a sit down restaurant, order whatever the healthiest meat option is on the menu.

I was at a christmas party tonight and I had ordered the meal weeks ago. Prime rib, Broccoli, Chedder stuffed baked potato, and cheesecake. I cut the fat off the prime rib, ate 4 pieces of broccoli (SHOCKING), passed on everything else. Drank water.

It was brutal.

6. Cardio every night after work. Done Only 15 minutes today. I couldn’t really do more with the short amount of time I had

7. Lift weights 3 days a week. So tomorrow is Thursday, then Friday, then Sunday. I’m going to have to do it then to get it in this week. This is HARD.

8. Eat vegetables every night with a meal. Done. See a 33 year old man have his mom take a picture of him eating broccoli for his blog up above. Is that the saddest sentence I’ve ever typed? Mayyyyybe.

9. Listen to/read one chapter of a book everyday. Done. More Power of Habit. Almost done with it.

10. Learn a new skill that I’ve never attempted before by working on it 30 minutes a day.

Well, let’s go check the poll:

Looks like I’ll be crocheting. Well shit. I’ll go buy stuff tomorrow to start tomorrow night.

11. Perform a random act of kindness every day. I WAS SO CLOSE TO paying for a really hot girls vet bill today but then I saw the wedding ring, so…pshhh have DAVE* pay for it.

*Dave probably isn’t her husbands name, also paying for hot girls’ stuff isn’t really a RAOK, so instead I called a customer of mine at work and did something pretty nice for her about her bill.

12. Blog every day (even if it’s just a quick update to document what I’ve done that day) DoNe.

13. Quit biting fingernails. Today was even better than yesterday.

14. Volunteer once a week. Tomorrow AND Friday!

15. Count all calories. Done:

16. Organize one thing (area of the house, table, dresser, cabinet) in my house everyday. DONE!

17. Spend 30 minutes every night planning the next day. This is going to consist of setting my clothes out tonight. I think this will be the toughest one to really incorporate every day.

18. Floss every day. Done! More blood! YES! Wait. What?

19. Compliment someone everyday on something other than their looks. Done. I complimented my friend John on how humorous I find him.

Did you know that the funny bone is actually a nerve? That’s humerus.

That’s what I’m ending on tonight. A reallllllll shitty joke.

Goodnight!

1. Wake up by 5:30am every weekday and 7:30am every weekend day. Done. Do you know what hurts? All the things.

2. Eat breakfast everyday. Literally 3 scoops of cottage cheese because I almost forgot as I was heading out the door for work.

3. Cardio every morning before work, weekends before doing anything else.

I basically put the incline between 3.0 and 5.5 and go REALLY slowly. At this point it’s just about creating the habit. I could give two big ole piles of poo about how many calories I burn or the distance or the time I spend doing it…just actually doing it is enough for me.

4. Drink only water, at least a gallon a day. You guys, I pee so much. Like, so much.

5. No fast food, and if I am at a sit down restaurant, order whatever the healthiest meat option is on the menu.

I met up with my friend Brady tonight to catch up (Hi Brady, you’re the best!) and we had an absolutely delightful time out at Portofino’s. I had the bruschetta and water and it was really good. I’m counting that as a vegetable because if you say tomato is a fruit you are unAmerican. I can prove it: From the Wikipedia article of Joseph McCarthy:

That is totally there and I absolutely did not take the time to change Joseph McCarthy’s Wikipedia page in order to make this joke.

Ok, I may have done exactly that. They deleted my edit literally within a minute. I felt bad. That’s a waste of their resources. I donated 3 dollars to Wikipedia so they don’t create a page for me that just says: Ben Konowitz is an American born asshole.

Sorry Wikipedia, you’re great.

6. Cardio every night after work. I didn’t do this. I am still exhausted. I did get more exercise during the day today than normal with some extra estimates and volunteering a little, so I’m comfortable with this one not happening today.

7. Lift weights 3 days a week. I don’t have enough hours in the day. I was only able to do 50 push ups and 30 sit ups today but I have to count it. P.S. I don’t mean I didn’t have time to ONLY do 50 push ups and 30 sit ups…that’s physically all I could do. The pathetic is really dripping off me hardcore right now guys, but that’s okay…we’ll get there.

8. Eat vegetables every night with a meal. Joe McCarthy!

9. Listen to/read one chapter of a book everyday. LOOK:

I was able to do that while volunteering today.

10. Learn a new skill that I’ve never attempted before by working on it 10-30 minutes a day.

I went to the store today and couldn’t find crocheting stuff and didn’t have time to go another store, so I thought I’d spend a little time eating and watching YouTube videos. Did you know that crochet deals with yarn? I didn’t know that until today. Went my whole life on this planet not knowing that. I watched about 15 minutes worth of videos and I think I get the gist of it. I’m picking up the yarn and stuff tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes.

11. Perform a random act of kindness every day.

I donated 3 dollars to Wikipedia. Whew, I totally forgot about this until I scrolled down to it. Let’s say that counts for today.

12. Blog every day (even if it’s just a quick update to document what I’ve done that day) 3 days strong.

13. Quit biting fingernails. SO MUCH EASIER TODAY.

14. Volunteer once a week. I spent two hours outside Wal-Mart today ringing the bell for the Salvation Army. Here’s a few things that I noticed.

• People drive WAY too fast in front of Wal-Mart. THERE ARE KIDS RUNNING AROUND EVERYWHERE, SLOW THE F DOWN.
• EVERY smoker throws down their butt right before they walk inside Wal-Mart. Just on the ground. If you see it every once in a while, you don’t really think too much about it. When you see 10-20 people in two hours right in front of you, it makes you want to say, “You’re a dick.”
• The lack of eye contact is INSANE. People hugged the side of the door like my balls were out. They weren’t.  If you don’t want to donate, here’s how to do it like a pro. This one rednecky looking guy stared me down from the parking lot with a smile on his face, as he passed, he goes “Merry Christmas man, thanks so much!.” I nodded. When he left, he goes, “Thanks again!” with a big smile. I responded with, “No man, thank you!” But here’s the thing. HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. No donation at all, and I thanked the shit out of him.
  • I’m not a good bell ringer.
• Most carts coming out of Wal-Mart are filled with soda/bottled water/junk food/appliances.

BUT:

•  Little kids get money placed in their little gloved hand by their mom/dad/grandpa/whoever. They get lifted up and told “Go ahead, put the money in there.” Then I get to say, “Awww, thank you…you’re the best!” Then the little kid smiles SO big and their eyes are all wide and adorable. Those little kids more than make up for everything else. It’s damn magical.

15. Count all calories.

16. Organize one thing (area of the house, table, dresser, cabinet) in my house everyday. BOOM

17 Spend 30 minutes every night planning the next day. This is officially just laying out clothes from now on…I didn’t think about how many 30 minute blocks I don’t have by the end of the day. Right now I have negative three 30 minute blocks left.

18. Floss every day. Still blood. But less blood. So, good?

19. Compliment someone everyday on something other than their looks.

I got to compliment so many people out their outfits/hats/attitudes today, it was great.

Last thing…when I get good at crochet…who wants an Alien facehugger!?

Sweet dreams kids!

Today was an extremely busy day in which I did absolutely everything on my list.

^Status at 5:15am

I actually did the math (33×365) on my phone this morning in bed…I can’t believe I didn’t accidentally dial 911 and order Jimmy Johns.

Here’s a few picture and videos from today…I did everything I promise. I’m exhausted.

Organized:

Rang the bell for the Salvation Army at Kmart. Kmart shoppers seemed to be nicer than Wal-Mart shoppers, but just as elderly. To be fair it was 10am-12pm on a Friday morning, I wasn’t expecting teenagers. There was one guy that made a donation and said, “You guys helped me when I was young, thank you.” It was really sweet.

I got to compliment more people today as part of the volunteering, I listened to two more hours of The Power of Habit (it was way longer than I thought!) I also helped an old man that was struggling with a bundle of Auto Trader magazines in a bound stack that he was trying to separate. I helped a few old ladies out of their cars and escorted them to the doors, I helped the cart guy with a turned over cart that was causing an issue, and I thought that I was pointing out a shoplifter to management, but it turns out he had just filled out a work release paper with her and he shoved it under his jacket awkwardly and ran out the door. It was a weird experience.

I flossed, I got on the treadmill, I spent like FORTY FIVE MINUTES on crocheting as you’ll see below if you are that completely bored on a Friday night. I tracked all my calories…ummm what else…I haven’t had dinner yet so no veggies yet. I drank only water, I ate breakfast….ok so that’s out of the way. Here’s what I think is the funniest thing I’ve done all day, in a segment I like to call:

The title art needs work. But I only had 5 minutes! I’M TIRED!

SO here’s what happened:

This is my favorite video of me ever:

BUT. I learned stuff! I set my alarm for 25 minutes…and started a YouTube video…The alarm went off…and I was THREE MINUTES into the tutorial.

So there you go…that’s what I know how to do so far.

Here’s what it looked like:

Millie was super interested.

I only got frustrated and dropped the yarn/needle like 15 times.

GOODNIGHT.

I’m not proofreading. I’ts Late and i’m tire.

The LIST:

1. Wake up by 5:30am every weekday and 7:30am every weekend day. Done – today was work though so it was pretty easy to wake up earlier than I normally would have on a weekend.
2. Eat breakfast everyday. YOGURT!
3. Cardio every morning before work, weekends before doing anything else. I did not do this because I knew I was going Disc Golfing which is basically walking for 2 straight hours.
4. Drink only water, at least a gallon a day. I had to get up from the restaurant table 2 different times to pee. I honestly don’t remember the last time that’s happened. I’m obviously normally very poorly hydrated and my kidneys are probably going to quit on me tomorrow.
5. No fast food, and if I am at a sit down restaurant, order whatever the healthiest meat option is on the menu. Ate a great healthy meal before I went to 3rd Base (a restaurant here in town) so it was really easy to watch my friends eat and just sit there with my water. 
6. Cardio every night after work. Same as 3
7. Lift weights 3 days a week. “Lifted” Thurs/Friday and now tomorrow will be the next day
8. Eat vegetables every night with a meal. Zucchini, Onion, Yellow Squash! (more tomorrow) 
9. Listen to/read one chapter of a book everyday. Done
10. Learn a new skill that I’ve never attempted before by working on it 30 minutes a day. Done
11. Perform a random act of kindness every day. Done
12. Blog every day (even if it’s just a quick update to document what I’ve done that day) Duh
13. Quit biting fingernails. This is actually going really well
14. Volunteer once a week. 2 times this week!
15. Count all calories. Done
16. Organize one thing (area of the house, table, dresser, cabinet) in my house everyday. Done
17. Spend 30 minutes every night planning the next day. Done
18. Floss every day.  Done
19. Compliment someone everyday on something other than their looks. Done – ugly christmas sweaters abound tonight!

I’m going to post all the pictures from today on tomorrow’s blog. it’s 11:31 and I’ve been up since 7 something so in order to not screw up tomorrow I’m going to BED.

Sorry as always for the short post.

Here’s a gif of Vince Carter dunking over a 7 footer. Goodnight!